WHY WE NEED TO RESIST RESISTANCE
I have a resistance to using titles that describe exactly what the article is about.
I have a resistance to marketing techniques that have become commonplace in the self-help industry, which see some promoting their products as a series of simple
Dr Seuss-like steps that give you 'the secrets to living a meaningful life,' instead of the at times painful, harrowing and spirit crushing process it can really be.
Maybe that’s why I have a resistance to promoting myself in that same manner, via over eager, 'the only way is my way' social media videos, even though videos get more interaction than blogs.
I like to think I have a resistance to conventional methods, beliefs, and thinking and in doing things the way they’ve always been done, yet in my most brutal moments of honesty I find I can also have a resistance to change and the struggle that goes with it.
Maybe that is something that I shouldn’t be admitting to but then again, I also have a resistance to inauthentic and dishonest posturing, so I feel I have to be open and honest and treat you with the respect you deserve dear reader.
In short, I have a resistance to a great many things but then don’t you too?
What is Wrong with you People?
I used to say this to a work colleague on a fairly regular basis. He worked in a particular department, he was a good guy and we got on well, so I felt comfortable saying it, in what I thought was a rather humorous way, so it always took me by surprise on the occasions he didn't appear to be laughing. It was only then that I realised that perhaps I wasn’t as funny as I thought and it was coming across as a tad condescending, so I made a genuine attempt going forward to modify my approach as I didn’t want him to feel disrespected. Maybe he felt it was totally unfounded and that is why he took offence, or maybe there was something in it that triggered him. So why am I including it here? Am I trying to trigger you? Well in a word…yes. I assure you I’m not trying to disrespect you but if you do feel some sort of reaction then I’m suggesting you might need to be shaken out of your stupor and question why it does.
The reality is there may be something wrong with all of us, myself included. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I have probably felt it more than most, which is how I got started on this path to begin with and most likely, why I used that phrase in relation to others, hidden as it may have been behind my comedic prowess. An ugly reflection of my discomfort with my own identity and misgivings. I have experienced so much resistance in my life, to health, work, money, success, failure, stagnation and change, that I finally decided it was time to experiment with some radical honesty and explore why this was the case. Was I the most persecuted boy alive or was I contributing in some way to the trials and tribulations I was experiencing?
Wrong is an emotional word and I am using it on purpose. As I have stated, what I am exploring here is resistance and why so many of us are slaves to it without even realising and that is why I am trying to cause a little controversy. Not because you or I are fundamentally flawed in any real sense of the word, just that we may not always be making our most empowering choices when we let our ghosts control the airwaves and if there is actually anything ‘wrong’ with us, then it has more to do with our conventional education and conditioning.
There is a concept in psychology known as ‘secondary gain’ which in essence explains that we tend to hold on to limiting beliefs and negative behaviours because even though they may be costing us dear we still 'gain' something from them, which is why we are reluctant to give them up. It is not the case in every scenario but more often than not it’s because it saves us from putting ourselves out there so to speak. From embracing vulnerability, uncertainty and the very real chance that we just might fail. I see it everywhere, from kids to grandparents, millennials to baby boomers and everything in between. I see it in the folk who struggle when they hit that inevitable point on the road of personal development, when things start to get bumpy as we realise that wonderful programme we just purchased is not doing it alone and that we alone are the ones responsible for keeping ourselves on course, even when driving conditions have become hazardous and uncertain.
Most relevantly of all I see it in my own life, more than I would like, especially when my life has become so steeped in these concepts and this is a topic that I constantly return to in yet another attempt to present things as transparently as possible, for you, for me, for all. There is no panacea, no absolution, no one pill for every ill. This lifestyle, this idea of self-exploration is hands down the hardest thing you will ever do. It doesn’t matter if you are suffering from illness, born into the wrong tax bracket, slighted the wrong person, or were simply last in line when they were handing out tickets for that life changing seminar. The only way to mount any sort of a successful defence is by being brutally honest with yourself about what has gone wrong, the part you played in it (unconsciously or otherwise), and how to make it right and everyone, including those self-appointed modern day influencers, thought leaders and even coaches, counsellors and therapists face it too.
Over and over again.
"Finding the passion and purpose in your life is a trial-by-fire process. You don’t simply wake up one day and become happy doing one thing forever and ever. It’s a constant work in progress." – Mark Manson
It is why, as I have said, I carry a healthy scepticism of certain elements in the self-help industry and why it can face ridicule despite its altruistic nature. It has become tainted by the frauds and fakes that descend like cockroaches on any potential money-making opportunity by using the aforementioned marketing techniques, selling you a fool proof method to get rid of your insecurities and become a 'success' in life. It is why I respect those in the field who do walk with that brutal honesty and make it abundantly clear that the most important element to ‘the work’ is actually doing the work.
Over and over again.
Nock, draw, aim, release, repeat. That’s right, we’re going old school with this shit, we’re all about the elegance in our evolutionary equipment. Life requires patience, poise, finesse and fortitude so there are no easy outs, no automatic weaponry. It takes courage, commitment, grit and resilience but it isn’t just about a powerfully disciplined and drilled technique. It takes more than one arrow; our quiver must be full at all times. It also requires a highly functioning biology to get us into a state where we can actually utilise these mindset tricks that get thrown about with such abandon in this modern age. All the mantras in the world won’t save us if we are suffering from such severe brain fog that we can’t even spell persistence yet alone embody it. It is in the lifestyle we lead. Are we surrounded by toxicity, both physical and mental, do we get bogged down in the issues of others and feel the pull of social stigma to fit in?
All of this contributes to the resistance we feel within and what stops us from embracing the incorrigible reality of life and the world at large. It is why psychedelic therapy is entering the mainstream, it takes down those walls and expedites the process, so we don’t have to, and we do have to. In order to grow, to move forward, to become the person we were meant to be. So why is it so hard and what are we to do?
When I was 12 or 13, I wanted to be a vet because I love animals but when I realised how much work was involved and how much I sucked at science I decided to let that dream go. At about 14 or 15, when I really started growing into who I was I realised that it was the humanities that really grabbed me so a dream of becoming a writer, a journalist or a musician began to take hold. Maybe now it makes sense why I hate the idea of giving my articles titles that describe exactly what they are about even if that is blogging 101. Who will take the time to read your article if they don’t know what it is about? It speaks to my pompous artistry.
With all that in mind, why then did I spend close to two decades of my life pursuing a totally different career. One that in all honesty, I fell into rather than chose. An affinity for the industry and a quick return in terms of cash and more importantly for me, achievement meant that although it wasn’t even on the radar originally it quickly became a driver of ambition and satisfaction for me. It would be disingenuous to say I didn’t enjoy it, no-one could stick to something for that long if there wasn’t some sort of payback but as I say, it was satisfaction not fulfilment and it is fulfilment that gives us the peace and tranquillity of a life well lived.
It is why now, after a life altering decade of illness and struggle, I have found myself coming full circle and how often is that the case? When we go on a journey of embodied exploration, taking ourselves out of our thinking minds and letting the heart and intuition be our guide, we find what truly resonates with us, what makes us whole, what lights us up and makes our souls sing. A return to the innocence of youth, when life was all about excitement and opportunity. You want to help people; you want to be creative? Well then what were you thinking? It’s obvious! How many of us have walked away from what truly brings us joy because we feel life demands it? Is it really life though or is it our own stealthily held resistance? Is it a deeply embedded belief that there are two lives, our dream lives and reality and it is only the 1% that get to combine the two? Once again, the power of self-awareness comes to the fore. Being able to go deeper and explore what we truly desire is something we should be taught in school at the same time as algebra and syntax. It’s how to see both sides of the story, how to employ critical thinking and make an informed decision that resonates with who we are, equal parts head, heart and hara that seems to be missing from today’s curriculum.
"Wherever you go, there you are" - Confucius
This is the brutal, ugly truth that so many of us resist and yet it is the very reason why resistance is futile. No matter where you go, what you do, how you try to ignore or hide from reality, it always come back around, like a bad penny thrown from the angry hands of an irate guardian angel swimming in frustration. If you fail to heed the lesson it will keep coming like a relentless Terminator, uttering those famous words every time you deflect an advance…"I’ll be back."
There is a great line in Breaking Bad that may give us a better direction. Spoken by the leader of Jesse’s support group, he drops a bomb purer than Heisenberg’s ice blue meth,
"Walk with who you are."
Throughout the appearances this character makes in the series, this is his primary role, to emphasize the importance of self-acceptance. In this world where we are constantly told that in order to be happy, we must change who we are, maybe that isn’t the case. Maybe it’s not about changing but becoming. Becoming who we truly are.
Over and over again.
Shedding the skin of resistance, the weight of change and simply accepting who we are, where we want to go and perhaps, most importantly of all, where we are right now. Accepting what brings us joy and pursuing it, whilst still holding it loosely, in line with our means and our reality. That’s right, acceptance of all rather than resistance to all. Progress not perfection. Taking the steps necessary to becoming the person you were supposed to be, along a reality-based timeline, welcoming of the doubt, fear and insecurity that goes with it.
But wait I hear you say! If I accept things the way they are then how will I ever find the fire needed to hit the lofty goals I have for my life, health and career? Acceptance is not surrender. Acceptance is not indifference. Acceptance is not acquiescence. Acceptance is the fuel to your fire. It will keep it burning longer, brighter and hotter. Through thunderstorms and gales, downpours and droughts. Accepting where you are in the moment and moving from there.
This is probably where our resistance holds the most sway. A lot of us have a steadfast resistance to what is. We fight, flee or freeze in the face of this truth. What if we tried something radical and just accepted it and started to plot our course from there as opposed to some utopia in the future when the time just definitely, maybe, might feel right? Pema Chodron has said that hope and fear are two sides of the same coin. What if we threw away the coin and acted with radical acceptance, sitting with the most provoking question of all;
How do I get there, if I don’t accept where I am right now?
Now is the only truth we have. Now is the only thing that is real. Now is the only place we can start from.
Over and over again.
Maybe you’re noticing a theme here, or some pretty poor writing.
Happening over and over again…
We are told that repetition brings its own rewards, 10,000 hours, practice makes perfect and that is most certainly true, however resistance has its own response to that too. How often have we heard cliched quotes thrown around with abandon but never really stopped to examine the meaning?
"It’s the journey not the destination"
"You learn more from failure than success"
"Everything happens for a reason"
We hear them but we don’t appreciate the wisdom contained within because of that very same repetition. They appear so often we become immune to the truth they carry. Cliché tends to invoke the same scepticism the self-help industry does. I hear the words you are saying but they wash right over me because they are uttered so regularly. When things become familiar and mundane, we don’t question them the way we do with the new and unique yet as MC Domovitch has so insightfully stated,
"Sayings only become clichés because they're true."
Therefore, it is through the constant repetitive practice of awareness, acceptance and critical thinking that we will find our answers. Only by questioning everything can we know anything, yet once again it takes subtlety and guile and an appreciation that true knowledge is never certain. What we discover today may change tomorrow so once again, hold it loosely and stay on your toes. Be playful with your certainty, not possessive. Every time those Ghosts in the Radio try to disrupt our carefully curated playlist of goals and objectives with their white noise of negativity, we need to ask these questions:
Is this really true?
What is this belief costing me?
What do I need to do to give myself the evidence it isn’t true?
What is true?
What new actions do I need to take?
Over and over again.
We need to resist our resistance. We need to break open our beliefs every single day and allow our acceptance of what is and the truth of what should be keep us on track in the way that nature (or Skynet?) intended, so that is we who become the relentless Terminator in our quest for dystopian survival, never discouraged, never stopped, putting ourselves back together when life takes a shot. Taking up the oars of awareness and acceptance, not resisting the dark side of life’s advances, but floating and flowing through them, like a boat lost at sea, not fighting the current but letting go and letting be. Confident in the truth that you are creative, resourceful and whole, fully capable of breaking through each wave of consequence, trial and woe.
Over and over again.
Finding the poetry in presence and purpose.
Reality not resistance, becoming not battling, slipping not stonewalling, fuelling our phoenix fire to hold steady through the storm and reset our course when gentler winds and tranquil waters return.
Now, one last confession before I go. Since ‘ becoming’ became the central theme of this meditation, I thought it would be nice to bow out on a powerful quote, so off to Google I went, where the former First Lady Michelle Obama, was right at the top of the list. Not withstanding her former office and the high revere she and her husband are still held in, it may also have a little something to do with the fact the quote comes from her book, which if you don’t already know, is called “Becoming”, (of course it is!). In the spirit of full disclosure and I’m sure you see it coming, I haven’t yet had the pleasure of reading her work, (it’s on my list now) yet something tells me she may have already struck oil on this concept long before I even started drilling. However, in the true nature of acceptance I won’t shy away from this truth when she has summarised it so beautifully. After all didn’t we just agree it’s all about the importance of repetition?
Over and over again?
"For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end."
Or, as that eternal sage, Dr Seuss might have put it, in a mantra surely worthy of repeating;
We need to become each and every single day,
authentic and true in every single way.
With a hop and a skip and a self-sustaining jump,
paying no mind to the shit life dumps.
I need to become, I’ll be,
in the moment, the now, accepting of me.
With fire and forge, hammer and steel,
it will be by this truth, I am finally free.
Take Aim, Transform, Transcend…
Skywards...
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