PART THREE - RESURRECTION
Despite the rapidly approaching revolution of AI, the most advanced, spectacular and amazing piece of machinery ever created will always be the human body. The engineering that God or nature, depending upon your beliefs, used to create it will never be matched. The body is the Alpha and Omega combined. The Father and the Mother, the Protector and the Nurturer. Our soul’s vessel, an amazing combination of blood and bone, muscle and sinew, bacteria and bile. So many amazing evolutions working together in tandem. It nurtures by making complicated actions automatic. When we bleed, it clots, when we boil, it sweats, when we sleep, it heals. It protects by refusing to shield us from our folly, by utilising tough love and tough lessons to ensure we get the message and make the required adjustments. At all times it acts with paternal love, in one way or the other and goes to extremes to shield us from hurt or harm. It has developed techniques to warn us when we are endangering ourselves. With autoimmunity for example, the body turns defence into offence by attacking itself when being invaded by foreign bodies that do not have our best interests at heart. With autophagy, it kills off weak cells so we can be stronger. With the fight or flight response, the sympathetic nervous system shuts down all unnecessary activity and floods the body with hormones so we have the energy to react to the imminent danger it faces.
Polyvagal Theory
Polyvagal Theory is yet another, somewhat similar example of the body taking control in an attempt to protect us from danger and bring a level of homeostasis to the mothership. The theory was introduced in 1994 by Dr. Stephen Porges, director of the Brain-Body Centre at the University of Illinois in Chicago. Dr. Porges can explain his theory much more eloquently than I can and indeed does so below but in layman terms it relates to the aforementioned fight or flight response but focuses on the third element that often gets overlooked, the ‘freeze’ response.
The fight or flight response is seen as an immediate reaction to a singular sense of danger whereas Polyvagal Theory posits that in times of prolonged stress and sensations of environmental danger, our autonomic nervous system in conjunction with the central vagus nerve will proceed to override our biological functions and cause us to involuntarily shut down completely or to ‘freeze’.
As described by Bessel van der Kolk, professor of psychiatry at the Boston University School of Medicine:
"The Polyvagal Theory provided us with a more sophisticated understanding of the biology of safety and danger, one based on the subtle interplay between the visceral experiences of our own bodies and the voices and faces of the people around us. It explains why a kind face, or a soothing tone of voice can dramatically alter the way we feel. It clarifies why knowing that we are seen and heard by the important people in our lives can make us feel calm and safe, and why being ignored or dismissed can precipitate rage reactions or mental collapse. It helped us understand why attuning with another person can shift us out of disorganized and fearful states. In short, Porges’ theory makes us look beyond the effects of fight or flight and put social relationships front and centre in our understanding of trauma. It also suggested new approaches to healing that focus on strengthening the body’s system for regulating arousal."
In essence, what this is telling us, is that when we begin to see the world as a dangerous place through toxic events, relationships and interactions, the kind which any sufferer of an invisible illness, grief or loss is acutely aware, the body decides enough is enough and shuts down so we no longer have to be exposed to this danger, much like the turtle withdraws into its shell, thereby emphasising the importance of virtues such as empathy, compassion and co-operation. Qualities we should be employing exponentially, yet in this evermore socially isolated world they are the very qualities that have been sacrificed. We live in fear, in denial, in competition. Our throwaway culture demands everything but loyalty. Fight Club’s single serving friendship in full effect. Ask not what I can do for you but what you can do for me! It certainly seems that way when we live in a gig economy where security is the privilege of the few. When social media outrage has us so divided, we dare not express an opinion at all for fear of being ostracised. When bullying doesn’t stop when the school bell rings or when corporations refuse to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions.
We have become consumers rather than contributors, so we try to find relevance in other ways. In the hustle culture, working every hour available and believing that makes us better and more worthy than another. In the outrage culture, calling out those whose opinion differs from our own and virtue signalling our way to relevance. In the climate of fear that has borne up and sees us treating others in the exactly the way we fear being treated ourselves, as the enemy, as something to be stepped on and eradicated lest the same be done to us.
It would be very easy to get caught up in the same hysteria and go off on a tirade about how the world has become morally bankrupt and reprehensible but of course the truth is very few people set out to be cruel or insensitive, very few people think of themselves as part of the problem. We are all victims of circumstance and miseducation to a certain degree. Fear, ego and insecurity are the prevailing winds of our time. Our political leaders and media sow discord and dismay, we swing right or left but the centre ground of reasoned debate and compromise seems to be viewed as the land of defeat and weakness. Discourse has become an exercise in evasion and raised voices. Being honest, being forthright, being engaging and considered are no longer seen as admirable traits but rather signs of weakness and lack of conviction. Owning our mistakes has become reprehensible. A recent article in The Times by Chief Sports Writer Matt Dickinson explored this "collective flaw", as he put it, by referencing Kathryn Schulz, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author and her book, "Being Wrong". Her premise, he explains, is simple but undeniable:
"As a culture we haven’t even mastered the basic skill of saying I was wrong."
Let me be the first to rebel, let me start the revolution! I was wrong, I have been wrong, I will be wrong again! I have been wrong in this article. The world is not full of danger on a massive scale, it is only our perceptions that make it so. The people of this world are not self-obsessed and self-serving it is only our perceptions that make it so. Mankind will not advance by way of a ‘survival of the fittest’ mindset, it is only our perceptions that make it so. When people discover what I do for a living they open up in a way that they would not if I were an Accountant or a Bank Manager and so I get to see the good and the vulnerability that is in the world. We all feel lost, we all feel isolated, we all long to belong, to find our tribe, to find peace and happiness.
The mainstream tends to look at Hip-Hop culture as the manifestation of our basest desires, money, sex and power and yet a cutting insight by the American rapper, Macklemore has stayed doggedly with me since I first became aware of it, no doubt in part due to the abrasiveness of his tone:
"Suicide is stupid? You wanna know what is stupid? Hurting someone so much emotionally that they think suicide is the only answer."
Powerful, insightful, cutting. It’s the kind of statement that makes you stop in your tracks and question your own actions. I have treated people poorly. If I was aware enough to be cognisant of it at the time, I beat myself up royally and tried to make amends yet there have been other occasions that have only become clear to me with the benefit of hindsight and it is those occasions that we should all try to eradicate, which in turn brings me to the beating heart of this piece.
How do we do this? By cultivating the most important skill we can possess.
Awareness...
Self-awareness, emotional awareness, environmental awareness. Aware that we are not weird or broken, that others are suffering too and the commonly quoted but often ignored trope that ‘people’s actions say more about them than us’ holds true. That we have the power to knock down but to also build up.
This doesn’t have to be seen as some overtly liberal, Marxist sentiment. History has shown that those ideals have their flaws too, rather it is something that should be employed on a more individualistic manner to begin with. When we disagree with a loved one, a family member, a friend, a work colleague or a social media contact, before we concede to frustration and lash out in anger we should first explore their perspective, ask what is happening for them to make them behave in such a way? Do they have our best intentions at heart with these words we don’t wish to hear or these actions we don’t wish to see? Where is our resistance coming from? Why are we so quick to judge? It is only when we have taken a deep dive into this line of questioning that, if we have not unearthed or received an explanation or compromise that may break the stalemate, apathy becomes an acceptable action. Apathy though, applied with compassion, for them, for you and for the greater good. A toxic event, relationship or interaction has no value for anyone, however, we must always hold the truth close and realise that we could be the toxic part of the equation. Even though most of the content of the self-help world comes from a place of compassion, all too often it too can become skewed by our own flawed perspectives and perceptions and we can see genuine love from another as poisonous just because we are not ready to hear what they have to say or appreciate the love and sentiment that is involved.
This is where concern not only for our own but for the mental health of others becomes so important. We are all inter-connected and our actions have consequences. Regardless of your religious persuasions and some of the more controversial ideas each dogma may hold, there is no doubt that at their core, they each hold the belief that we should be kind to our fellow man and 'do unto others only what we would like done unto ourselves'.
At the end of the day, that is the most selfless thing we can do. Develop and hold a personal philosophy that helps more than hinders. Be aware of our actions and our weaker, baser instincts and acknowledge and make amends when we fall prey to them. By all means do not be a doormat, hold people accountable but try to see things from their perspective too. When we look at the bigger picture it can be too daunting a puzzle to solve but if we bring this awareness to our personal lives, and in turn to our professions then we can begin to create change on a cellular level.
"Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay." – Gandalf
This is the personal philosophy I embrace and one that I encourage for my clients too. I have suffered mentally, I have suffered physically, I have suffered from apathy and misperception. Anyone who has suffered in the same way will know that it makes you constrict, become insular and in the most extreme cases, ask yourself if no-one cares, why should I?
Trust me, you should. We all need someone to care and at the very least, you can be that person for someone else. You need to find your fire. The love I have, for and from my kids, my family and my friends helped me find mine. The rain will stop, clouds will part and the sun will shine again. As I mentioned at the outset, I started drafting this article on the weekend of my 40th birthday. For most it is a time of celebration but I was struggling to find my joy and intended to keep a low profile and do very little but my friends and family had other ideas and threw me a surprise party that meant more than they will ever know. Nausea and pain are not the only feelings that send messages. Love does too and we need to hear that message through the white noise. We need to employ reason and respect, both for ourselves and others and take that first step towards our resurrection.
Based on Polyvagal Theory, Dr. Porges developed the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) to help calm the physiological and emotional state and whilst there is a propriety auditory aspect to this that makes it a therapeutic tool rather than open source information, the basis of it revolves around the twin tenets of ‘mobilise’ and ‘socialise’ and it is this part that we can implement for ourselves and others. They may seem daunting for those in the trenches but start slow and build. Take a walk in nature or try something gentle like yoga in the comfort of your own home. Try journaling to make sense of the emotions laying siege in the moment and make this the basis for reaching out for help, whether it be to just one person or a few.
The Ghosts in the Radio will always be there but we can tune them out and realise that life plays like our own personal “Bohemian Rhapsody”. It will be fast, it will be slow, it will be quiet, it will be loud, it will be happy, it will be sad but the best parts will always be when we are joined in chorus by those that matter and we reach those epic crescendos together in harmony…and if there does come a time when the white noise takes over, then we look for our own equalising headphones and find things to keep us calm, centred and in flow. Writing and coaching are just two of the things that do this for me. Find your own flow, be it reading, meditation, running, service to others or any other thing that speaks to you and use that to drown out the white noise until you can hear only the message of love and community and know that you are not alone.
I close with a theory postulated by Dr. Phil,
"Situations do not make heroes, situations expose heroes."
You are already a hero. No matter what stage of the journey you are on, you have the strength and fortitude to join me at Step 11 and we will form our own 'Fellowship of the Ring', a Fellowship of love and understanding, of compassion and empathy, made up of other reluctant heroes just like us and together we will find our fire, face down our final tests and return to the world to share that magic elixir.
Take Aim, Transform, Transcend…
Skywards...
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