PART TWO - REASON
Now, as in all things, my story is unique. The challenges I faced upon recovery are not necessarily what the next person may encounter and so of course that had a huge bearing on the stumble I took. Therefore, I will try to generalise this as much as possible so it can be of use to everyone.
An athlete who breaks a world record is a big deal, a person who recovers from an illness not many understand…not so much. It’s like winning a one-person race ran behind closed doors. No-one sees the effort you put in or can understand the euphoria you feel. Everyone has their own life and their own problems so once you have achieved the unachievable, it is simply time to plug yourself back into the matrix, return to the rat race, become once again, a happy, well-adjusted, contributing member of society and think no more on that pesky ailment and what you had to do to get well. There are bills to pay, mouths to feed and corporate jets to fuel.
Initially, this is not a problem. You are floating, you constantly feel the need to scream, "I’m back baby" at the top of your lungs, whilst doing cartwheels in the street and breaking into song and dance numbers at the drop of a hat…which of course you don’t, you’re 'normal' again, remember? Though trust me, you’re dancing inside every single minute of every single day. Happiness is found in the day to day tasks that you were unable to do for so long, like taking a walk, spending time with family and friends and returning to the world you missed when trapped inside your own personal prison. Hell, even going grocery shopping holds an allure you never thought possible yet strangely, things soon becomes demoralising as you realise during all that time away from the real world nothing changed. You have gone through this magical, life affirming, transformative experience, you have slayed the mythical creature, crushed all your demons and emerged from the experience a better, more empathetic, awakened, individual and yet the worm keeps turning. This is Joseph Campbell’s 'Hero’s Journey' in full effect. You become trapped in the cave, unwilling to play ball, unwilling to return to the trials and tribulations that caused you to falter to begin with. You have learned so much you want to share it with the world. You want everyone to know that it doesn’t have to be this way. We can co-exist and co-operate and make life easier for each other. Unfortunately though, not many want to hear and so life, in some ways, quickly becomes unsatisfying, which is ridiculous when you consider how far you have come.
There are twelve steps to The Hero's Journey:
1. Ordinary World: This step refers to the hero's normal life at the start of the story, before the adventure begins.
2. Call to Adventure: The hero is faced with something that makes him/her begin their adventure. This might be a problem or a challenge they need to overcome.
3. Refusal of the Call: The hero attempts to refuse the adventure because they are afraid.
4. Meeting with the Mentor: The hero encounters someone who can give them advice and ready them for the journey ahead.
5. Crossing the First Threshold: The hero leaves their ordinary world for the first time and crosses the threshold into adventure.
6. Tests, Allies, Enemies: The hero learns the rules of the new world. During this time, they endure tests of strength of will, meet friends, and come face to face with foes.
7. Approach: Setbacks occur, sometimes causing the hero to try a new approach or adopt new ideas.
8. Ordeal: The hero experiences a major hurdle or obstacle, such as a life or death crisis.
9. Reward: After surviving death, the hero earns their reward or accomplishes their goal.
10. The Road Back: The hero begins their journey back to their ordinary life.
11. Resurrection Hero - The hero faces a final test where everything is at stake and they must use everything they have learned.
12. Return with Elixir: The hero brings their knowledge or the "elixir" back to the ordinary world, where they apply it to help all who remain there.
"The return and reintegration with society, which is indispensable to the continuous circulation of spiritual energy into the world, and which, from the standpoint of the community, is the justification of the long retreat, the hero himself may find the most difficult requirement of all. For if he has won through, like the Buddha, to the profound repose of complete enlightenment, there is danger that the bliss of this experience may annihilate all recollection of, interest in, or hope for, the sorrows of the world; or else the problem of making known the way of illumination to people wrapped in economic problems may seem too great to solve." — Joseph Campbell
This was the dilemma I faced. I had changed but the world had not. I was ready for step 12 but oh so woefully unprepared for Step 11. I thought I was ready for whatever life had to throw at me, that this 'final test', where everything is at stake and I must use everything I had learned, may be difficult, but would not prove insurmountable. I felt like Neo in The Matrix, my eyes had been opened, all I could see were zeroes and ones, I had cracked the code, I knew what I had to do. I was retraining as a Coach and Psychology Practitioner and had once again mapped out a plan for how my life was going to look and how I was going to make a difference, so this final test you speak of? Bring it on...
In 1967, psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rae decided to study whether or not stress contributes to illness. This study lead to the creation of the Holmes-Rae Stress Scale which is used as a predictor of the likelihood of suffering an illness due to the life events you experience. My score for the life events I experienced in the six months following recovery (My Final Test) was almost of the charts.
To say my new found resilience was being tested would be an understatement. I made reference to this in a previous, upbeat article. At that time everything I had learned was serving me well. I persevered. I pushed on. I had beaten ME/CFS therefore I was obviously invincible, nothing could phase me, I had discovered the key to life itself. I utilised my new found skill of reframing every adversity into an opportunity. Despite the hits I had taken, I was excited by the challenge of proving myself. I returned to the normal working world to address the financial issues that were building, I completed my Coach certification and started my own practice. I worked day and night towards the things that mattered to me, towards my purpose. It felt like my life had been on hold indefinitely, so now I was eager to get moving and create a new future for myself. One in which I could help those who were suffering just like I had suffered. Patience left the building and my Type A personality (which had been responsible for so many of my issues to begin with) re-emerged.
Returning to the real world proved more difficult than I had imagined but I paid no heed. Feelings of fear, anxiety and sadness were bubbling beneath the fault-line. This final test was proving formidable and had laid siege to my support structure by taking my Dad, my relationship and my financial security. I was now being forced to return to the real world as the true archetypal lone hero. Everything was new, everything was change, everything was struggle, every interaction or achievement seemed precariously balanced on the whim of another. I was supposed to be taking control of my life yet most of the time I felt I had none at all. This insight however, was fleeting and not something I really allowed myself to process or explore. It was just life, struggle is essential I told myself and as I say, I had discovered the key to unlocking that struggle.
All the while, slowly and stealthily the demons were mobilising, anticipating what I could not and preparing for their chance to strike once more. The demands of modern living began taking their toll. The 8-hour work day I had stuck to so diligently to begin with, began morphing into 12-hour days due to the demands of the modern work environment. The time I was spending on my own pursuits got impacted and so frustration rose up like an angry, wild stallion and choices had to be made. Keep hustling or keep maintaining. I made the choice so many of us do in this situation, self-care got demoted and some of the tools and techniques I had utilised to bring balance back to my life became arbitrary. The foundation had been laid and I kept the key hacks in play so surely that would be enough to get through this. It can’t rain all the time as they say and I have already done so much, so all I have to do is strap in and when the storm has passed I will emerge victorious and the perfect example of what can be achieved when we 'embrace the suck' and power through.
The rejection I felt during my illness was resurfacing in strange ways though. Despite not completely abandoning my new found skills and feeling like I was doing enough to get by and certainly acting as if, those feelings of fear, anxiety and sadness started building in intensity. I began seeing danger at every turn. A totally benign comment in the workplace would have me fearing for my job and in turn my fragile financial security, a failure to spend time on coaching research would result in me feeling obsolete and out of touch with nothing to offer. A rejection of the tactics I had employed to get better by someone who had no idea of the struggle would grate instead of bouncing off me like they did initially. Slights, real and imagined began stacking on top of each other and living in recovery and indeed in general became less of a joy and more of a chore. The enlightened life hung like a weight around my neck. I understood why people do the things they do so tried to be more empathetic and understanding and took on more responsibility than I should. It’s my fault, I’m not communicating correctly, I drove them to this. Control of my body language left me, I appeared distant and standoffish and it seemed everything I had learned had just fell out of my head. I began to withdraw and spend more time by myself as the challenges kept building one by one until that great opponent, life, made one final devastating move before sitting back in triumph to declare 'checkmate'. BOOM! My supposedly solid foundation crumbled, the tectonic plates of trial after trial collided and my fragile Fortress of Solitude collapsed under the strain of this seismic eruption of negative energy and destruction.
Some would call it a stumble, others a loss of hope. Some might elevate it to a major depressive episode whilst other more dramatic souls might even call it a breakdown. Me? I saw failure. I saw disconnection. I saw dysfunctional trauma, the result of trying to exist in a world built around the needs of the individual rather than the needs of community and co-operation. In a previous article describing the onset of my ME/CFS I wrote,
"I kept pushing myself, until I couldn’t push anymore, until my body decided to save me from myself by stepping in and taking control of the wheel, forcing me to slow down, forcing me to accept my limitations, and then forcing me to accept some more just to be sure I would get the message, which of course I didn’t, at least not right away!"
History repeating itself, except in a classic example of reframing, the positive aspect of this dysfunctional traumatic episode was that my ME/CFS had not returned. In the past a period of prolonged stress would have caused a relapse but instead in manifested in a different manner. Proof positive that the approach I had adopted had indeed solved the root causes of my ME/CFS and that it would not be returning. What a result I tried to tell myself through the waves of apathy and submission I was now feeling. Confirmation too, (albeit of the N=1 variety) of the theory held by many, that anxiety, depression, ME/CFS, and a percentage of other autoimmune and chronic illnesses share those same root causes and it is simply our genetic predispositions that determine how they manifest for each of us.
I refer to it as dysfunctional trauma because that is how I now see it. An inability to function optimally in the modern world we have so slavishly built for ourselves. By becoming consumed with misguided values and questionable motives. By fuelling our bodies with junk food and easy options. By existing in isolation in harmful environments full of toxins and distractions, material and emotional. The chronic and mental illness epidemic we are currently experiencing has to be telling us there is something not quite right and so, it is my opinion, that the same approach to life that I adopted for recovery would improve functional wellbeing for all if we only 'do the work'. That is why I now refer to my coaching approach as 'Functional Transformation' and target not just optimising my clients psychology but their biology and environment too, as a means of helping us all find a more collective, collaborative way of co-existing and functioning in the modern world, meeting the needs of the many, rather than the few. That is for another day though. Firstly, I needed to heed the signals I was being given by my body. As Johann Hari so wonderfully highlights in his book, "Lost Connections",
"You need your nausea. You need your pain. It is a message, and we must listen to the message."
Continued in Part Three...
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