THE FIRST STEP TO EMOTIONAL FREEDOM
What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human – Brené Brown
I published my last article three weeks ago which was unsurprisingly related to the coronavirus pandemic. At the time it looked inevitable that some form of lockdown was making its way west. Arguments had been raging for weeks about whether this was actually something we needed worry about or if it was all just a giant sham no more serious than the flu. Whilst some debate inevitably still exists, the noise seems mostly to have dissipated. Yes, there will always be those who never allow themselves the luxury of holding opinions loosely, accepting the fact that over a lifetime we are wrong more often than we are right, or that true strength of character speaks to how often we’re willing to admit this rather than fight it, but rejection of truth in times like this serves no purpose other than to sow discord and division.
Science has been pushed to the forefront and science is based upon the principle of formulating hypotheses and testing them. A conscientious scientist, one free from political influence, knows there is a good chance they will prove themselves wrong yet still, in the name of progress, sets out to do just that. As we are seeing though, even gaining consensus amongst the experts is proving difficult. In an era where the concept of fake news looms large, we have been swamped in conflicting information, fear mongering, climb downs, double downs, conspiracy theories, profiteering and opportunism. In a time of great fear and uncertainty, chaos rules the airwaves. In a time when we are openly fearing for our mental health, it begs the question, how could it really be anything but affected?
So, what do we do? How do we know who to listen to and who to ignore? How do we identify what is responsible reporting and what is irresponsible grandstanding? How do we know who has got our best interests at heart and who is out for themselves? How do we stop ourselves hyperventilating, passing out and taking a deep dive headfirst onto our manically cleaned floors, (a ridiculous inconvenience if self-isolating) when faced with such a barrage of information?
We pull back. We breathe. We initiate reason and calm, clear thinking.
Truth be told, it’s not all one-way traffic either. The barrage of beautiful people operating at the other end of the spectrum can also be overwhelming for some more anxious, insecure souls. Articles, videos and social media posts are dropping like hot stones sharing advice on how best to fill those hours of isolation we have been given no choice but to endure. Parents in particular, who may have lost their structure and security now face having to ensure their kids are being fed, watered, educated, exercised and kept emotionally afloat 24 hours a day without the usual support lines of school, grandparents, babysitters and in some cases, income. All the while seeing other parents on social media who seem to be gliding through this entire thing with the all the grace of a prima ballerina, knocking out Art Attack style creations in between teaching their kids the theory of relativity whilst simultaneously holding their business together with just the power of a laptop and a can do attitude before throwing in a quick yoga sesh and a weekly shop! It was exhausting just writing that sentence never mind witnessing it!
Before you peg me as Mr Misery though, let me point out that I wholeheartedly applaud and support anybody who is stepping up in this time of trial. I am simply pointing out, as someone who once got so high on my own supply of life affirming insights and eye opening awakenings that I wanted to stop everyone in the street and preach at them until they accepted my truths as their truths, that this is not always conducive to coping either. People need to breathe, to acclimatise, to come to things in their own way, at their own pace. This only occurs when someone is in a position to receive and it takes time. You have to meet them where they are at.
In periods of stress and strain, our more dominating personality traits tend to become amplified. The type A’s among us who do not have work to consume them will throw themselves into distraction in whatever form that takes, dispensing endless pieces of wisdom, signing up for every class available, remodelling the house, landscaping the garden, taking up every physical activity known to man, dominating all who dare to challenge them at Monopoly, during which time the helpers amongst us will go out of their way to provide support and assistance to all who need it, putting each and every other person’s needs above their own. Those suffering from severe trauma and insecurity will see this as yet more proof that the world is an unsafe, unpredictable place and will feel even more alone and adrift than usual. Those who suffer from chronic illness will find that their already overlooked suffering will become even more ignored by the majority of people’s first interaction with something comparable.
Therefore, it is ironic that in a time of great fear for the mental health of society we are leaving ourselves open to doing the exact thing that has proven to be counterintuitive to healing time and again. Distracting instead of dealing. Doing instead of being. Blaming instead of bending. I say this not as some wise old sage but rather as the former undisputed, undefeated world champion of denial. Someone who was unceremoniously stripped of that title exactly because of unforeseen circumstances and situations beyond my control. I have lived through anxiety, depression, autoimmunity and chronic illness. All conditions that produce a lifestyle eerily similar to that which everyone is now having to experience. I have dealt with trauma, worried about my next meal, dreaded the next bill. I have experienced the extreme isolation involved when you are not fit to work or leave your home to socialise in the traditional sense. I, like so many before, have been handed life lessons by the greatest teacher of all, the bitter but beautiful lived in experience and what she taught me was that there is opportunity in adversity, if we are only able to pull ourselves back from the brink and open ourselves up to the teaching.
The First Step is to Accept.
Such a simple concept and yet such a difficult one to master. The call to adventure is daunting when we know the journey will be long and harrowing, the path winding and uneven yet accept it we must. Denial, distraction, deflection, these are not viable strategies for the warrior who wants to win the war. Nothing has ever been won by blustering straight in without strategy or guile.
The captain who keeps a calm head is the one who is able to steer home through the storm. The answer lies always in balance. There are no right or wrong answers in situations such as these. We are all groping blinding in the dark, yet we have the ability to see through these dark times if we let go of what was and embrace what will be. We can let intuition be our guide and find the balance between faith and fear, push and pull. There have been declarations that this coronavirus will the great equaliser, that it will be this that restores balance to the world. There is no doubt that we will grow through the pain, but nothing lasts if it is built upon shaky foundations. Grounding comes before growth. This fight will be long and arduous therefore we must not waste energy fighting our new reality. Resistance kills resilience, acceptance feeds it and nurtures it. Our roots must go deep to withstand the wind, to steady us in those moments of fear and doubt that we will all inevitably experience as we inch our way through this perilous terrain.
One of the harsh realities for those suffering from a chronic illness is that while most people may be able to sympathise, they cannot truly empathise since they have no real concept of what that person is experiencing. The fact that we are all in this together will certainly make it easier to endure, yet it often rings true that even in a room full of people we can still feel alone. It is important then to acknowledge that we all operate from different levels of resilience throughout the course of a single day never mind over the course of such turbulent times. It is ok to feel optimistic one moment and pessimistic the next. This does not make you weak or unresourceful, it just makes you human. It is often said,
A strong marriage doesn’t always have two strong people at the same time. It's usually a husband and wife taking turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other feels weak.
This is how society will make it through, this is how you and I will make it through. There is strength in vulnerability. Power in presence. Start where you are. Breathe. Approach everything with patience and grace. Push when you can, pull back when you can’t.
You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability - Brené Brown
Forget about the productivity posturing and settle for doing just one thing each day to enhance your body, your brain and your quarantine. This will still equate to a level of exponential growth that may not have been achievable in other circumstances. Embrace your creativity. Do not bathe in negativity, of your own making or others. Express gratitude for what you still have. Do not ignore reality, engage with it, explore it and release it when necessary. Acknowledge each feeling as it arises, name it, observe it and let it go. Support others when you can, shelter when you can’t and always, always reach out in times of need. Men in particular, especially if you are supporting a family, this scenario demands a sure, subtle touch, brute strength will not suffice. If survival of the fittest is your creed then you must also acknowledge that those who do not evolve, die. This is a time for the Calm Captain, the Philosopher King, the Warrior Poet, the most famous of which, Bruce Lee, famously declared,
Be Water, my Friend
This is water, my friends and when we find ourselves in danger of drowning we are told not to fight but simply to flip and float, to stay calm, breathe and conserve energy until help arrives or until we feel resourceful enough to aim for shore, never swimming against the current, but with it or across it. The shortest route home is not always the safest. Let this be the beacon that constantly reminds us, even if acceptance comes easy at first, that resolve can wear off pretty quickly if we don’t feel we are making the desired progress. Frustration will whisper to us in our solitude, speaking rot and rebellion. We must not listen. We must treat it like the fear feeding clown it is. It will not serve us. It will not free us. It will only be defeated by courage and heart, club and community, friendship and faith.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. – Ambrose Redwood
So, though we may have lost much already and stand to lose still more, we should take solace in story, inspiration from invention and know that sometimes, losers too can win, when we stick together in strength and solidarity, logic and love.
When we flip the script and scream fuck It, we all float…
And then follow, not the tide of conflict but common sense and community, for the good of one and the good of all, for those at risk and those who will care for them, for as long as we need and as far as we need.
We float today, so we can fly tomorrow.
Take Aim…Transform…Transcend…
Skywards…
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